


breathe again

by melancholygay



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Mental Illness, Mentions of Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-19 23:40:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17011383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melancholygay/pseuds/melancholygay
Summary: one of those days. where the ceiling is just too appealing to not stare at lifelessly





	breathe again

it was one of those days. they days where he woke up, and instantly knew he couldn’t do it. when he woke up and felt absolutely nothing. 

he knew phil was just a few rooms away. he knew phil wanted to help him. he understood phil’s desire for him to get better, to recover, and most days he matched that desire. but today he just couldn’t be bothered. he wanted to move, to scream, to cry, to do something, but he just layed and stared at that all too appealing ceiling. 

he knew he was at least mildly successful. he loved the life he built with phil, the love and pure comfort he felt with phil. but was it worth it? he knew , someone in the back of his mind it was, but his shit brain still pressed on. was it worth it? he felt like he has entirely regressed back to his younger years. he feels as if he’s 17 in a beige and gold room, on a small bed, debating if his life was really worth living. 

he could acknowledge the wealth, the fame, the fans. he always has that. but he knew he couldn’t help every fan. the ones that were all too similar to him, he knew he couldn’t reach out and help. and that hurt the worst. 

his hair was too greasy, his bed sheets too warm, his room too cold, and his brain too loud. thoughts seemed to scream at him all at once, yet his mind felt fuzzy and almost diluted at the same time. 

he just kept staring at the white ceiling. he was in his flat. his and phil’s flat. the one with all the food and drinks he needed, and a nice shower just a room over , yet he kept on staring. 

he heard foot steps. they went down the stairs, getting closer to him with every beat, yet he kept on staring. 

the door creaked slightly, and he heard phil’s socked feet patter over to the bed. the bed dipped, and there was a steady, warm weight next to him. phil was a constant. forever supporting him. even when all he could do was stare at the ceiling. 

long fingers found their way into his too greasy hair. a hand slid under his shoulders, and gently pushed him up. he let himself be lifted. phil spoke slowly, almost as if dan was some sort of animal he didn’t want to spook. dans mind was all too fuzzy to know what words poured out of phil’s lips. 

a glass was pressed to his mouth. a warm hand rubbed encouraging circles into his shoulders. he took the glass from phil’s hands and drank. it was water. water was good. dans therapist told him he needed to drink lots of it on days like this. 

he finished the glass, and halfway heard phil murmur our words of praise. phil slowly lifted himself off the bed, and dan felt a brief moment of panic. the constamt was moving, and that set off all sorts of alarms in dans mind. all he could do was acknowledge that it was the first emotion he felt today. 

phil picked up dans arm, then slid his hand to his back, willing dan to stand up. dan just let himself be pulled up. phil, the angel he is, led dan to the bathroom, gently pulled his pyjamas off, and pushed dan into the shower. panic, again. dans constant was not in the shower with him, they were separated by the glass. 

phil quickly stripped down, and stepped in, immediately easing dans mind from the panic. phil washed his hair, gentle fingers working in and out. he didn’t deserve this. dan knew he didn’t. dan knew, all too well, that phil deserves someone better. someone who can actually respond to him. 

phil tilted his head back under the warm water. dan didn’t know how much time had passed, but eventually phil pulled him back and turned the shower off. phil stepped out , and gently dragged dan out with him. he wrapped dans favorite fluffy towel around him, and dan knew if he could, he would appreciate it so much. 

dan was dressed in clean pyjamas, and now sitting on the couch with phil, who had his legs stretched out onto the coffee table and dans head in his lap. dan watched phil play whatever game was on the screen. it was all a blur to him, yet he kept staring. 

after about 2 hours of watching, it hit him. the firery guilt, deep in his gut. he could feel it all. he was all too aware of phil’s hand in his hair. how phil has thrown his day away just to take care of his annoying, useless boyfriend who couldn’t even manage to get out of bed. 

and it burned, just like the salty tears that started to pour. he knew he was fully crying, too aware of the ugly noises he made when phil instantly dropped the controller and pulled him up. phil spin so he was facing dan, and instinctively pulled dan into his arms. 

dan just cried into his neck, definitely making phil’s shirt wet. “you don’t deserve to have to deal with me. you do-“ he was cut off by phil shushing him. “ this isn’t you love. just let me help you ok, i will never be tired of helping you“ dan just layed in his arms, till cries became the soft breaths of sleep. and this time, when he woke up, he could breathe again

**Author's Note:**

> mm hey y’all enjoy


End file.
